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| i had a really nice long conversation tonight; with a really nice, listening friend.
i enjoy midnight oil.
i'm really ready to go home and figure my life out.
i've learned how undependable people are.
and it's really beginning to bother me.
[i've said really a lot, my apologies.]
i don't want to hear that you're going to hang out with me;
and then never receive a phone call.
or be stood up.
please, be better friends.
i'm sorry that i feel it necessary to communicate with you.
i don't think that you mind, particularly.
i just don't want to make things worse.
i've learned a lot this past month.
about myself.
about my life.
things are going to be okay.
but, no one else can endure the numerous questions that i ask like you can.
"how dare you say it's nothing to me? baby you're the only light i ever saw."
oh. my. john. mayer.
nour, i miss you.
nora, i miss you.
everyone else - alas, i miss you too.
let's get ready; let's be ready and waiting to fall. | | |
| i had a nice trip to heber springs (the lake?).
there was a lot of sitting around and watching tv.
i miss you.
it's been 3 weeks since i've heard you.
4 since i've seen you.
and, i'm absolutely going crazy inside.
serious talks,
here we come.
i do care.
i've realized the past couple of days that i really miss being touched -
and not sexually,
but the 'let me love on you' kind of way and take care of you. | | |
| can someone tell me when things changed?
i sat in gym stars tonight and listened to shelby (she's 8, one of our competitive gymnasts, her dad john co-owns the gym) cry - all she wanted was "5 more minutes dad!! 5 more, please!!!!" and john said no.
so shelby cried.
i looked to her mom, traci, and said "oh, to be 8, where that was the only thing i cried about."
in all seriousness, when did things change so much that imagination, a full heart, and an early bedtime no longer satisfy us?
my pillow is wet with tears each night these days;
a longing for everything to go back to how it was.
an aching for my two best friends.
my heart is an empty room.
and i wish that the numerous jumps on the trampolines and backhandsprings and pullovers and jumps to high bar would satisfy me these days - like it does shelby.
but it doesn't.
and i would give anything for that to be true. | | |
| the last week and a half has gone by slower than any other week in college.
it's been okay...but just okay.
horribly, horribly lonely.
do you remember what the dorms smelled like when we first moved in?
sometimes, like tonight, i smelled it when i walked in -
and it gave me a sense of hope.
a hope that new things were destined to come, and that i could still go home and come back and the mystery could still be here.
i can't do anything, go anywhere, or see anything without thinking of jonathan.
and it sucks.
i mean, not that i'm reminded of him,
but it's just like salt in an open wound.
he's my best friend.
attractions to other people are a negative.
i mean, don't get me wrong -
i love the attention.
but...
it just, doesn't even compare.
i've been in such a depressed mood today.
i enjoyed bible study at the woodroof's.
but, again, it's always good.
i need to do laundry.
i think i'm going to stay for intersession.
and i might have a job @ the YMCA at home for m-f.
it'd be 40 hours a week.
but, i guess anything to keep from feeling...
i need to learn to not be cynical and pessimistic, it's what got me into this situation in the first place.
i have love.
s'agapo. | | |
| i think this is the lowest i have ever felt.
i don't think,
i'm pretty positive.
maybe eventually everything will be okay. | | |
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